Turnkey Coaching

Seven Golden Rules of Marriage

2010-03-05T15:52:00.001-08:00

1. Be sure to make time for each other and have fun together.

2. Keep talking and keep listening to each other.

3. Study the ways your partner feels loved.

4. Discuss your differences and pray together.

5. Practice Forgiveness.

6. Honour your parents but do not be controlled by them.

7. Do not neglect sexual intimacy.

From The Marriage Book by Nicky & Sila Lee, Alpha International Publications

The type of love that lasts

2010-02-20T02:47:00.000-08:00

"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being 'in love', which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away... Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." Dr Iannis in Captain Correlli's Mandolin by Louis de Berniere.

How often have you heard the words, "we just grew apart" from couples who are splitting up? The implication of those words is that they either consciously chose to grow in different directions, or that they didn't choose the directions they were going at all; they simply drifted along, their direction controlled by events outside of their control.

Of course few people consciously choose to grow in a different direction from their spouse. But how many couples plan their lives together, deciding on the direction they will both grow? If you want the kind of love that lasts, choose to have "roots that grow towards each other." Decide today to plan your lives together. You don't have to drift through life wondering where it will take you; hoping that you will go in the same direction. You have a choice.

How to Destroy a Perfectly Good Relationship

2010-02-19T12:20:00.000-08:00

Sound advice from Mentoring Marriages by Harry Benson

STOP signs: four ways to destroy a relationship without thinking about it. Or if you choose to think about things, four things to stop doing and build your relationship!

STOP sign 1: S = Scoring points

Scoring points usually sounds like this: “You did this.” “Well you did that.” Each of us has our finger pointed in the other person’s chest, blaming, accusing, scoring points. “You…”

STOP sign 2: T = Thinking the worst

He brings her flowers, she thinks “what’s he done wrong”; she’s pre-occupied with housework, he thinks “she doesn’t love me.”

STOP sign 3: O = Opting out

While one partner tries to connect, the other partner tries to avoid conflict. They might do this by looking away; they might stop listening or they might leave the room. Some researchers claim it’s the number-one predictor of divorce. Don’t do it!

STOP sign 4: P = Putting down

These vary from character assassination: “You idiot”, to rolling your eyes, to denying the validity of the other person’s feelings. For example: “I’m feeling angry about what the boss is doing”. “You shouldn’t, you’ve got more important things to worry about at home.”

These four STOP signs represent a bad attitude. It’s in the mind that behaviour begins and it’s in the mind that changes will take place.

Awareness of bad habits is the first part of the battle. Knowledge and practice of good habits is the second half. Good habits are practical skills that can be learned and need to be practiced!

How Are Those New Year’s Resolutions Going?

2010-02-06T14:33:00.000-08:00

So you reviewed the past year and set some ambitious goals for 2010. One month in, what progress have you made towards their achievement? A New York Times article quoted a survey suggesting that a third wouldn’t even make it to the end of January.

According to the same article “Nearly 40 percent of those surveyed attribute breaking their resolutions to having too many other things to do, while 33 percent say they simply aren’t committed to the resolutions they set. But experts say the real problem is that people make the wrong resolutions. The typical resolution often reflects a general desire, rather than a specific goal.”

The question that struck me when writing about New Year’s Resolutions is whether they form part of a systematic process of planning ones life or whether they are merely an obligation to do something about the occasion? A list of things to do, prompted by an anniversary is not a sound foundation to build one’s future upon!

Have you thought through the purpose of your life? Do you have a vision of how you will fulfil your purpose? Are you clear about your values, your talents and your passion? Only when you have clarified these building blocks are you in a position to construct the framework for your ideal life.

With a framework like that in place you are in a position to begin setting goals which will form the project plan for your life. Clarity about purpose and passion, and a clear link between these and your goals will provide the commitment to act and to persevere. With a sound plan in place New Year becomes an opportunity to review progress and adjust the plan.

So what’s the point? If your resolutions were merely a wish list to mark the occasion, today is as good a day as any to begin building a master plan for your life.

Reviewing the Old Year before planning the New

2010-01-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

Scanning through some of the myriad articles on New Year's resolutions, I came across a couple of good ones suggesting that one review the old year before planning the new. The first was an article by Michael Hyatt, who suggests seven questions that one should ask about last year. The second was Ten Treasures to Take Away from 2009, a review of her year by Erin Schreyer.

As it was not only the end of the year but also the decade I decided to review both before making goals and plans for the new year and decade. This turned out to be a rather personal review of a messy time and I was tempted to keep it private but decided that a lesson learned ought to be shared!

I started with Michael Hyatt’s questions:

1. If the last decade were a movie of your life, what would the genre be?

I guess it would have to be tragedy. The decade started with great vision and enthusiasm, but it became a tale of lost opportunity, self destructive behaviour and dreams delayed.

What’s to learn?

The incredible power of habits! When God led the Israelites out of Egypt, bound for the Promised Land, the Israelites took Egypt with them and as a result they got stuck in the Wilderness for forty years. In the same way we come into the Kingdom spiritually renewed, but in our soul – our mind, will and emotion, we carry habits of thought and behaviour that have the power to keep us stuck. Once we understand the power of habits however, we can use that knowledge to build new habits and change our lives. It took me a while, but at least not forty years! (Come to think of it, most of these habits I’d learned by the age of six, so in fact it’s more than forty).

2. What were the two or three major themes that kept recurring?

Procrastination, underachievement, self-recrimination.

3. What did you accomplish this past decade that you are the most proud of?

For the decade, becoming a minister in training, pastor and church planter. And for the year, admitting that I can’t solve all my problems by myself and finding help to do so.

4. What do you feel you should have been acknowledged for but weren’t?

One problem I don’t have!

5. What disappointments or regrets did you experience this past year?

Not having the courage and perseverance to stick to all my plans and resolutions.

6. What was missing from last year as you look back?

Joy, fun & family time.

7. What were the major life-lessons you learned this past year?

If it’s going to be, it’s up to me! (Now I know that to some Christians, that will sound too self centred, but I don’t think it is. Jesus came that we might have life in abundance, but He didn’t take away our free will, we have to take action in order to receive what He offers.)

Key points from Erin Schreyer’s review that resonated with me are the following:

Have a Plan. Be Intentional.

The reason many New Year’s resolutions fail is the lack of resolve. In the past I set many goals without a plan for their achievement or the resolve to do whatever it takes to make them happen and surprise, surprise, they didn’t!

The Power of Identifying Strengths and Leading with Them

I am a great believer in identifying and developing one’s spiritual gifts. I’ve even run courses aimed at helping believers to do so. But have I done all I could have to identify and develop mine? Let’s just say “Could do better.”

Twitter – An Education and a Community-Builder

Erin says “What started as an ‘experiment’ mostly driven out of curiosity, turned into one of the most impactful decisions I made this year. It sounds hard to believe, I know. I still can’t believe it either…but it’s true.”

Personally, I started my own experiment with Facebook about six months ago and with Twitter less than a month ago. They have certainly given the concept of networking a whole new dimension, one that I intend to exploit to the full, although I don’t yet know what that will look like.

Networking and surrounding yourself with good people.

Another of those things that I “know that I know”, but haven’t done, and the reasons are those old habits of self-doubt and procrastination. New habits required!

Believe

Finally, but most importantly, it’s all about belief. Belief in God and in the person He made me to be. When it comes to Resolutions, this will be number one.

You and Your Dream

2009-12-30T02:09:00.000-08:00

Humans are a complex mix of thoughts, emotions and behaviour. Thoughts impact on emotions and vice versa. Both thoughts and feelings can cause us to do things in a certain way, good or bad. But the reverse is also true - if we act in a certain way, we can start to think in line with the way we are acting. For example, if we walk fast, as if we are on our way to an important and pleasurable event, our thoughts will reflect this attitude.

It is very powerful, then, to use this knowledge to steer ourselves to where we want to be, using our thoughts, feelings and actions to help us achieve our dreams. Regardless of our present situation, we can decide where and maybe more importantly, who we want to be. Our thoughts and feelings can help us imagine our ideal lifestyles and our ideal selves. We need to visualize vividly, which will create and reinforce a strong desire that will spur us on in our day to day tasks, many of which will be mundane.

We owe ourselves the time every day to 'live our dream' in our imaginations, vividly, with colour, sound and emotion, as if what we wanted were already true. Take the time now to see yourself looking like the ideal picture you have of yourself, vibrant, attractive. See yourself doing the things you enjoy doing, both socially and at work, in the company of friends and colleagues who respect you and enjoy spending time with you, doing fun and meaningful activities. Your career is flying and you are getting even better at it every day. Experience the feelings of self-confidence and happiness, fulfilment, joy and laughter that this life is giving you.

While you are on this emotional high, create a physical switch that you can associate with this state of mind. (Condition yourself!) For example, snap your fingers or touch your ear, or .... Practise this often, at least once a day, at the same time as your vizualisation to reinforce your dream, your belief, your desire and your intent.

Keep your dream alive, remember that you are not your past, you are your potential. Be the best you can be!

Learn to Think About Your Habits

2009-12-29T09:20:00.000-08:00

Down the years, I have taken many a course in psychology, organisational behaviour, management etc, and from my experience I suspect that few students in these disciplines ever learn the real life applications of the theory they read in their text books.

A good example is that while we are learning all about the theory of conditioning etc etc, we can be practicing the bad habits of procrastination and instant gratification... forms of conditioning destructive enough to undermine ambitions, relationships and ultimately lead to depression and mental breakdown... without realising that what we are doing is teaching Pavlov's dogs (ourselves) to eat poison at the sound of the bell.

Do a little research into the relationship between these two habits on the one hand, and underachievement, frustration and depression on the other hand. Then take the trouble to think through your habitual patterns of thought and behaviour; and to change them. It will change your life!

Spiritual Depression

2009-12-29T08:14:00.000-08:00

I'm currently reading "Spiritual Depression Its Causes and Cure" by D Martyn Lloyd Jones.

In the first chapter he speaks about the fact that there are large numbers of Christian people whose "souls are cast down and disquieted within them" (Ps 42:5,11). An important reason why we must face this problem, he says, is that "in a sense a depressed Christian is a contradiction in terms, and is a very poor recommendation for the gospel".

Ouch!

Of course we are painfully aware of this, and it is one reason that depression is so hard for us to speak about.

Lloyd-Jones describes depression in the terms of the psalm, an extraordinarily accurate picture. He talks about the causes, among which he lists temperament, physical conditions, the devil and finally, he says:

"the ultimate cause of all spiritual depression is unbelief. For if it were not for unbelief even the devil could do nothing. It is because we listen to the devil instead of listening to God that we go down before him and fall before his attacks. That is why the psalmist keeps on saying to himself: 'Hope thou in God for I shall yet praise Him...' He reminds himself of God. Why? Because he was depressed and had forgotten God so that his faith and his relationship with God were not what they ought to be."

Ouch again!

Do not despair however... he also says "We belong to the same company as Jeremiah, and John the Baptist and Paul and Luther and many other. A great company! Yes, but you cannot belong to it without being unusually subject to this particular type of trial."

And a brief, first chapter look at the cure:

"...the first thing we have to learn is what the Psalmist learned - we must learn to take ourselves in hand. This man was not content just to lie down and commiserate with himself. He does something about it, he takes himself in hand. But he does something which is more important still, that is he talks to himself... we must talk to ourselves instead of allowing 'ourselves' to talk to us! Do you realise what that means? I suggest that the main trouble in this whole matter of spiritual depression in a sense is this, that we allow our self to talk to us instead of talking to our self. Am I just trying to be deliberately paradoxical? Far from it. This is the very essence of wisdom in this matter. Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them, but they start talking to you, they bring back the problems of yesterday, etc. Somebody is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you. Now this man's treatment was this; instead of allowing this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself. 'Why art thou cast down, 0 my soul?' he asks. His soul had been depressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says: 'Self, listen for a moment, I will speak to you'.

The main art in the matter of spiritual living is to know how to handle yourself. You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, question yourself. You must say to your soul: 'Why art thou cast down'- what business have you to be disquieted? You must turn on yourself, upbraid yourself, condemn yourself, exhort yourself, and say to yourself: 'Hope thou in God' - instead of muttering in this depressed, unhappy way. And then you must go on to remind yourself of God, Who God is, and what God is and what God has done, and what God has pledged Himself to do. Then having done that, end on this great note: defy yourself, and defy other people, and defy the devil and the whole world, and say with this man: 'I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance, who is also the health of my countenance and my God'. That is the essence of the treatment in a nutshell. As we proceed With our consideration of this subject we can but elaborate that. The essence of this matter is to understand that,this self of ours, this other man within us, has got to be handled. Do not listen to him; turn on him; speak to him; condemn him; upbraid him; exhort him; encourage him; remind him of what you know, instead of listening placidly to him and allowing him to drag you down and depress you. For that is what he will always do if you allow him to be in control. The devil takes hold of self and uses it in order to depress us. We must stand up as this man did and say: 'Why art thou cast down? Why art thou disquieted within me?' Stop being so! 'Hope thou in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance,' He, 'who is the health of my countenance and my God.' "

As someone who has suffered from “this particular type of trial”, I have studied many contemporary works of psychology, in search of “the cure”. I remain convinced that the Bible remains the greatest guide to living life well ever written. Unfortunately, while we have become a highly educated generation, we have lost much of our ability to draw on its profound wisdom. At first glance it seems to me that Lloyd Jones has done a wonderful job of unpacking that wisdom for us.

I will be reading the rest of the book with interest and a book review is on its way.

What Milk Have You Spilled?

2009-12-29T08:11:00.001-08:00

One of our favorite stories is about a famous research scientist who
had made several very important medical breakthroughs.

He was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who asked
him why he thought he was able to succeed so much more than
the average person, to be so much more creative than the average
person? In other words, what set him so far apart from others?

He responded that, in his opinion, it all came from a lesson his
mother taught him when he was two years old. He’d been trying to
take a bottle of milk out of the refrigerator, when he lost his grip and
spilled the entire contents on the kitchen floor. His mother, instead
of scolding him, said, “What a wonderful mess you’ve made! I’ve
rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage is already
done. Would you like to get down and play in the milk before we
clean it up?”

Indeed, he did. And, after a few minutes, his mother continued,
“You know, whenever you make a mess like this, eventually you have
to clean it up. So, how would you like to do that? We could use a
towel, sponge or mop. Which do you prefer?”

After they were finished cleaning up the milk, she said, “What we
have here is a failed experiment in how to carry a big bottle of milk
with two tiny hands. Let’s go out in the backyard, fill the bottle with
water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping
it.” And they did.

What a wonderful lesson!

The scientist then remarked it was at that moment he knew he
didn’t have to be afraid to make mistakes. Instead, he learned that
mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new — which
after all, is what scientific experiments are all about.

That bottle of spilled milk led to a lifetime of learning experiences
— experiences that were the building blocks of a lifetime of world renowned
successes and medical breakthroughs!

From The Success Principles
Your 30-day journey from where you are to where you want to be
by Jack Canfield AND Janet Switzer