1. Be sure to make time for each other and have fun together.
2. Keep talking and keep listening to each other.
3. Study the ways your partner feels loved.
4. Discuss your differences and pray together.
5. Practice Forgiveness.
6. Honour your parents but do not be controlled by them.
7. Do not neglect sexual intimacy.
From The Marriage Book by Nicky & Sila Lee, Alpha International Publications
Friday 5 March 2010
Saturday 20 February 2010
The type of love that lasts
"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being 'in love', which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away... Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." Dr Iannis in Captain Correlli's Mandolin by Louis de Berniere.
How often have you heard the words, "we just grew apart" from couples who are splitting up? The implication of those words is that they either consciously chose to grow in different directions, or that they didn't choose the directions they were going at all; they simply drifted along, their direction controlled by events outside of their control.
Of course few people consciously choose to grow in a different direction from their spouse. But how many couples plan their lives together, deciding on the direction they will both grow? If you want the kind of love that lasts, choose to have "roots that grow towards each other." Decide today to plan your lives together. You don't have to drift through life wondering where it will take you; hoping that you will go in the same direction. You have a choice.
How often have you heard the words, "we just grew apart" from couples who are splitting up? The implication of those words is that they either consciously chose to grow in different directions, or that they didn't choose the directions they were going at all; they simply drifted along, their direction controlled by events outside of their control.
Of course few people consciously choose to grow in a different direction from their spouse. But how many couples plan their lives together, deciding on the direction they will both grow? If you want the kind of love that lasts, choose to have "roots that grow towards each other." Decide today to plan your lives together. You don't have to drift through life wondering where it will take you; hoping that you will go in the same direction. You have a choice.
Friday 19 February 2010
How to Destroy a Perfectly Good Relationship
Sound advice from Mentoring Marriages by Harry Benson
STOP signs: four ways to destroy a relationship without thinking about it. Or if you choose to think about things, four things to stop doing and build your relationship!
STOP sign 1: S = Scoring points
Scoring points usually sounds like this: “You did this.” “Well you did that.” Each of us has our finger pointed in the other person’s chest, blaming, accusing, scoring points. “You…”
STOP sign 2: T = Thinking the worst
He brings her flowers, she thinks “what’s he done wrong”; she’s pre-occupied with housework, he thinks “she doesn’t love me.”
STOP sign 3: O = Opting out
While one partner tries to connect, the other partner tries to avoid conflict. They might do this by looking away; they might stop listening or they might leave the room. Some researchers claim it’s the number-one predictor of divorce. Don’t do it!
STOP sign 4: P = Putting down
These vary from character assassination: “You idiot”, to rolling your eyes, to denying the validity of the other person’s feelings. For example: “I’m feeling angry about what the boss is doing”. “You shouldn’t, you’ve got more important things to worry about at home.”
These four STOP signs represent a bad attitude. It’s in the mind that behaviour begins and it’s in the mind that changes will take place.
Awareness of bad habits is the first part of the battle. Knowledge and practice of good habits is the second half. Good habits are practical skills that can be learned and need to be practiced!
STOP signs: four ways to destroy a relationship without thinking about it. Or if you choose to think about things, four things to stop doing and build your relationship!
STOP sign 1: S = Scoring points
Scoring points usually sounds like this: “You did this.” “Well you did that.” Each of us has our finger pointed in the other person’s chest, blaming, accusing, scoring points. “You…”
STOP sign 2: T = Thinking the worst
He brings her flowers, she thinks “what’s he done wrong”; she’s pre-occupied with housework, he thinks “she doesn’t love me.”
STOP sign 3: O = Opting out
While one partner tries to connect, the other partner tries to avoid conflict. They might do this by looking away; they might stop listening or they might leave the room. Some researchers claim it’s the number-one predictor of divorce. Don’t do it!
STOP sign 4: P = Putting down
These vary from character assassination: “You idiot”, to rolling your eyes, to denying the validity of the other person’s feelings. For example: “I’m feeling angry about what the boss is doing”. “You shouldn’t, you’ve got more important things to worry about at home.”
These four STOP signs represent a bad attitude. It’s in the mind that behaviour begins and it’s in the mind that changes will take place.
Awareness of bad habits is the first part of the battle. Knowledge and practice of good habits is the second half. Good habits are practical skills that can be learned and need to be practiced!
Saturday 6 February 2010
How Are Those New Year’s Resolutions Going?
So you reviewed the past year and set some ambitious goals for 2010. One month in, what progress have you made towards their achievement? A New York Times article quoted a survey suggesting that a third wouldn’t even make it to the end of January.
According to the same article “Nearly 40 percent of those surveyed attribute breaking their resolutions to having too many other things to do, while 33 percent say they simply aren’t committed to the resolutions they set. But experts say the real problem is that people make the wrong resolutions. The typical resolution often reflects a general desire, rather than a specific goal.”
The question that struck me when writing about New Year’s Resolutions is whether they form part of a systematic process of planning ones life or whether they are merely an obligation to do something about the occasion? A list of things to do, prompted by an anniversary is not a sound foundation to build one’s future upon!
Have you thought through the purpose of your life? Do you have a vision of how you will fulfil your purpose? Are you clear about your values, your talents and your passion? Only when you have clarified these building blocks are you in a position to construct the framework for your ideal life.
With a framework like that in place you are in a position to begin setting goals which will form the project plan for your life. Clarity about purpose and passion, and a clear link between these and your goals will provide the commitment to act and to persevere. With a sound plan in place New Year becomes an opportunity to review progress and adjust the plan.
So what’s the point? If your resolutions were merely a wish list to mark the occasion, today is as good a day as any to begin building a master plan for your life.
According to the same article “Nearly 40 percent of those surveyed attribute breaking their resolutions to having too many other things to do, while 33 percent say they simply aren’t committed to the resolutions they set. But experts say the real problem is that people make the wrong resolutions. The typical resolution often reflects a general desire, rather than a specific goal.”
The question that struck me when writing about New Year’s Resolutions is whether they form part of a systematic process of planning ones life or whether they are merely an obligation to do something about the occasion? A list of things to do, prompted by an anniversary is not a sound foundation to build one’s future upon!
Have you thought through the purpose of your life? Do you have a vision of how you will fulfil your purpose? Are you clear about your values, your talents and your passion? Only when you have clarified these building blocks are you in a position to construct the framework for your ideal life.
With a framework like that in place you are in a position to begin setting goals which will form the project plan for your life. Clarity about purpose and passion, and a clear link between these and your goals will provide the commitment to act and to persevere. With a sound plan in place New Year becomes an opportunity to review progress and adjust the plan.
So what’s the point? If your resolutions were merely a wish list to mark the occasion, today is as good a day as any to begin building a master plan for your life.
Friday 1 January 2010
Reviewing the Old Year before planning the New
Scanning through some of the myriad articles on New Year's resolutions, I came across a couple of good ones suggesting that one review the old year before planning the new. The first was an article by Michael Hyatt, who suggests seven questions that one should ask about last year. The second was Ten Treasures to Take Away from 2009, a review of her year by Erin Schreyer.
As it was not only the end of the year but also the decade I decided to review both before making goals and plans for the new year and decade. This turned out to be a rather personal review of a messy time and I was tempted to keep it private but decided that a lesson learned ought to be shared!
I started with Michael Hyatt’s questions:
1. If the last decade were a movie of your life, what would the genre be?
I guess it would have to be tragedy. The decade started with great vision and enthusiasm, but it became a tale of lost opportunity, self destructive behaviour and dreams delayed.
What’s to learn?
The incredible power of habits! When God led the Israelites out of Egypt, bound for the Promised Land, the Israelites took Egypt with them and as a result they got stuck in the Wilderness for forty years. In the same way we come into the Kingdom spiritually renewed, but in our soul – our mind, will and emotion, we carry habits of thought and behaviour that have the power to keep us stuck. Once we understand the power of habits however, we can use that knowledge to build new habits and change our lives. It took me a while, but at least not forty years! (Come to think of it, most of these habits I’d learned by the age of six, so in fact it’s more than forty).
2. What were the two or three major themes that kept recurring?
Procrastination, underachievement, self-recrimination.
3. What did you accomplish this past decade that you are the most proud of?
For the decade, becoming a minister in training, pastor and church planter. And for the year, admitting that I can’t solve all my problems by myself and finding help to do so.
4. What do you feel you should have been acknowledged for but weren’t?
One problem I don’t have!
5. What disappointments or regrets did you experience this past year?
Not having the courage and perseverance to stick to all my plans and resolutions.
6. What was missing from last year as you look back?
Joy, fun & family time.
7. What were the major life-lessons you learned this past year?
If it’s going to be, it’s up to me! (Now I know that to some Christians, that will sound too self centred, but I don’t think it is. Jesus came that we might have life in abundance, but He didn’t take away our free will, we have to take action in order to receive what He offers.)
Key points from Erin Schreyer’s review that resonated with me are the following:
Have a Plan. Be Intentional.
The reason many New Year’s resolutions fail is the lack of resolve. In the past I set many goals without a plan for their achievement or the resolve to do whatever it takes to make them happen and surprise, surprise, they didn’t!
The Power of Identifying Strengths and Leading with Them
I am a great believer in identifying and developing one’s spiritual gifts. I’ve even run courses aimed at helping believers to do so. But have I done all I could have to identify and develop mine? Let’s just say “Could do better.”
Twitter – An Education and a Community-Builder
Erin says “What started as an ‘experiment’ mostly driven out of curiosity, turned into one of the most impactful decisions I made this year. It sounds hard to believe, I know. I still can’t believe it either…but it’s true.”
Personally, I started my own experiment with Facebook about six months ago and with Twitter less than a month ago. They have certainly given the concept of networking a whole new dimension, one that I intend to exploit to the full, although I don’t yet know what that will look like.
Networking and surrounding yourself with good people.
Another of those things that I “know that I know”, but haven’t done, and the reasons are those old habits of self-doubt and procrastination. New habits required!
Believe
Finally, but most importantly, it’s all about belief. Belief in God and in the person He made me to be. When it comes to Resolutions, this will be number one.
As it was not only the end of the year but also the decade I decided to review both before making goals and plans for the new year and decade. This turned out to be a rather personal review of a messy time and I was tempted to keep it private but decided that a lesson learned ought to be shared!
I started with Michael Hyatt’s questions:
1. If the last decade were a movie of your life, what would the genre be?
I guess it would have to be tragedy. The decade started with great vision and enthusiasm, but it became a tale of lost opportunity, self destructive behaviour and dreams delayed.
What’s to learn?
The incredible power of habits! When God led the Israelites out of Egypt, bound for the Promised Land, the Israelites took Egypt with them and as a result they got stuck in the Wilderness for forty years. In the same way we come into the Kingdom spiritually renewed, but in our soul – our mind, will and emotion, we carry habits of thought and behaviour that have the power to keep us stuck. Once we understand the power of habits however, we can use that knowledge to build new habits and change our lives. It took me a while, but at least not forty years! (Come to think of it, most of these habits I’d learned by the age of six, so in fact it’s more than forty).
2. What were the two or three major themes that kept recurring?
Procrastination, underachievement, self-recrimination.
3. What did you accomplish this past decade that you are the most proud of?
For the decade, becoming a minister in training, pastor and church planter. And for the year, admitting that I can’t solve all my problems by myself and finding help to do so.
4. What do you feel you should have been acknowledged for but weren’t?
One problem I don’t have!
5. What disappointments or regrets did you experience this past year?
Not having the courage and perseverance to stick to all my plans and resolutions.
6. What was missing from last year as you look back?
Joy, fun & family time.
7. What were the major life-lessons you learned this past year?
If it’s going to be, it’s up to me! (Now I know that to some Christians, that will sound too self centred, but I don’t think it is. Jesus came that we might have life in abundance, but He didn’t take away our free will, we have to take action in order to receive what He offers.)
Key points from Erin Schreyer’s review that resonated with me are the following:
Have a Plan. Be Intentional.
The reason many New Year’s resolutions fail is the lack of resolve. In the past I set many goals without a plan for their achievement or the resolve to do whatever it takes to make them happen and surprise, surprise, they didn’t!
The Power of Identifying Strengths and Leading with Them
I am a great believer in identifying and developing one’s spiritual gifts. I’ve even run courses aimed at helping believers to do so. But have I done all I could have to identify and develop mine? Let’s just say “Could do better.”
Twitter – An Education and a Community-Builder
Erin says “What started as an ‘experiment’ mostly driven out of curiosity, turned into one of the most impactful decisions I made this year. It sounds hard to believe, I know. I still can’t believe it either…but it’s true.”
Personally, I started my own experiment with Facebook about six months ago and with Twitter less than a month ago. They have certainly given the concept of networking a whole new dimension, one that I intend to exploit to the full, although I don’t yet know what that will look like.
Networking and surrounding yourself with good people.
Another of those things that I “know that I know”, but haven’t done, and the reasons are those old habits of self-doubt and procrastination. New habits required!
Believe
Finally, but most importantly, it’s all about belief. Belief in God and in the person He made me to be. When it comes to Resolutions, this will be number one.
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