"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being 'in love', which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away... Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." Dr Iannis in Captain Correlli's Mandolin by Louis de Berniere.
How often have you heard the words, "we just grew apart" from couples who are splitting up? The implication of those words is that they either consciously chose to grow in different directions, or that they didn't choose the directions they were going at all; they simply drifted along, their direction controlled by events outside of their control.
Of course few people consciously choose to grow in a different direction from their spouse. But how many couples plan their lives together, deciding on the direction they will both grow? If you want the kind of love that lasts, choose to have "roots that grow towards each other." Decide today to plan your lives together. You don't have to drift through life wondering where it will take you; hoping that you will go in the same direction. You have a choice.
Saturday 20 February 2010
Friday 19 February 2010
How to Destroy a Perfectly Good Relationship
Sound advice from Mentoring Marriages by Harry Benson
STOP signs: four ways to destroy a relationship without thinking about it. Or if you choose to think about things, four things to stop doing and build your relationship!
STOP sign 1: S = Scoring points
Scoring points usually sounds like this: “You did this.” “Well you did that.” Each of us has our finger pointed in the other person’s chest, blaming, accusing, scoring points. “You…”
STOP sign 2: T = Thinking the worst
He brings her flowers, she thinks “what’s he done wrong”; she’s pre-occupied with housework, he thinks “she doesn’t love me.”
STOP sign 3: O = Opting out
While one partner tries to connect, the other partner tries to avoid conflict. They might do this by looking away; they might stop listening or they might leave the room. Some researchers claim it’s the number-one predictor of divorce. Don’t do it!
STOP sign 4: P = Putting down
These vary from character assassination: “You idiot”, to rolling your eyes, to denying the validity of the other person’s feelings. For example: “I’m feeling angry about what the boss is doing”. “You shouldn’t, you’ve got more important things to worry about at home.”
These four STOP signs represent a bad attitude. It’s in the mind that behaviour begins and it’s in the mind that changes will take place.
Awareness of bad habits is the first part of the battle. Knowledge and practice of good habits is the second half. Good habits are practical skills that can be learned and need to be practiced!
STOP signs: four ways to destroy a relationship without thinking about it. Or if you choose to think about things, four things to stop doing and build your relationship!
STOP sign 1: S = Scoring points
Scoring points usually sounds like this: “You did this.” “Well you did that.” Each of us has our finger pointed in the other person’s chest, blaming, accusing, scoring points. “You…”
STOP sign 2: T = Thinking the worst
He brings her flowers, she thinks “what’s he done wrong”; she’s pre-occupied with housework, he thinks “she doesn’t love me.”
STOP sign 3: O = Opting out
While one partner tries to connect, the other partner tries to avoid conflict. They might do this by looking away; they might stop listening or they might leave the room. Some researchers claim it’s the number-one predictor of divorce. Don’t do it!
STOP sign 4: P = Putting down
These vary from character assassination: “You idiot”, to rolling your eyes, to denying the validity of the other person’s feelings. For example: “I’m feeling angry about what the boss is doing”. “You shouldn’t, you’ve got more important things to worry about at home.”
These four STOP signs represent a bad attitude. It’s in the mind that behaviour begins and it’s in the mind that changes will take place.
Awareness of bad habits is the first part of the battle. Knowledge and practice of good habits is the second half. Good habits are practical skills that can be learned and need to be practiced!
Saturday 6 February 2010
How Are Those New Year’s Resolutions Going?
So you reviewed the past year and set some ambitious goals for 2010. One month in, what progress have you made towards their achievement? A New York Times article quoted a survey suggesting that a third wouldn’t even make it to the end of January.
According to the same article “Nearly 40 percent of those surveyed attribute breaking their resolutions to having too many other things to do, while 33 percent say they simply aren’t committed to the resolutions they set. But experts say the real problem is that people make the wrong resolutions. The typical resolution often reflects a general desire, rather than a specific goal.”
The question that struck me when writing about New Year’s Resolutions is whether they form part of a systematic process of planning ones life or whether they are merely an obligation to do something about the occasion? A list of things to do, prompted by an anniversary is not a sound foundation to build one’s future upon!
Have you thought through the purpose of your life? Do you have a vision of how you will fulfil your purpose? Are you clear about your values, your talents and your passion? Only when you have clarified these building blocks are you in a position to construct the framework for your ideal life.
With a framework like that in place you are in a position to begin setting goals which will form the project plan for your life. Clarity about purpose and passion, and a clear link between these and your goals will provide the commitment to act and to persevere. With a sound plan in place New Year becomes an opportunity to review progress and adjust the plan.
So what’s the point? If your resolutions were merely a wish list to mark the occasion, today is as good a day as any to begin building a master plan for your life.
According to the same article “Nearly 40 percent of those surveyed attribute breaking their resolutions to having too many other things to do, while 33 percent say they simply aren’t committed to the resolutions they set. But experts say the real problem is that people make the wrong resolutions. The typical resolution often reflects a general desire, rather than a specific goal.”
The question that struck me when writing about New Year’s Resolutions is whether they form part of a systematic process of planning ones life or whether they are merely an obligation to do something about the occasion? A list of things to do, prompted by an anniversary is not a sound foundation to build one’s future upon!
Have you thought through the purpose of your life? Do you have a vision of how you will fulfil your purpose? Are you clear about your values, your talents and your passion? Only when you have clarified these building blocks are you in a position to construct the framework for your ideal life.
With a framework like that in place you are in a position to begin setting goals which will form the project plan for your life. Clarity about purpose and passion, and a clear link between these and your goals will provide the commitment to act and to persevere. With a sound plan in place New Year becomes an opportunity to review progress and adjust the plan.
So what’s the point? If your resolutions were merely a wish list to mark the occasion, today is as good a day as any to begin building a master plan for your life.
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